If you've followed my dissertation posts over the past year, you know that nothing about this process has been easy. That's continued to hold true, as I have long exceeded the timeframe within which I had hoped to defend my dissertation topic and begin writing chapters. Two weeks ago, I failed my first attempt to defend my topic to my committee. I'll have another shot, so right now I am trying to make some revisions that were suggested to me at the defense. If I can submit passable revisions within two weeks, then I will be in a much better position and might even be able to begin writing.
One of the issues that was brought up surrounding my defense was whether I have enough passion to sustain this project. Maybe that is supposed to be a straightforward question, but I have never found it to be so. Even at the point (two years ago . . . a time I've been foolishly longing for of late) when I could unhesitatingly say that I enjoyed my academic work, my enthusiasm and energy could vary considerably over the course of a given week, subject to so many factors of mood and circumstance. I really don't know how to quantify something like "passion."
If it's a question of whether I can muster the perseverance to write a good dissertation, then I believe I can. And I know that even if I struggle all the way through the painful dissertating transition from student to "scholar," that doesn't necessarily mean I can't be a great teacher. If anything, some failures along the way might help mold me into a better teacher.
All the same, I do wonder if my committee is onto something, in that I think I might be a better theology nerd/avid hobbyist than theology scholar. Maybe I'll write more about this at another time. I assure you the distinction means something in my mind, even if I'm not quite able to articulate it yet.
Anyway, no matter what happens or what I discover about myself as a scholar in the next few weeks, I can say that the past few years of graduate study have been a wonderful privilege, I wouldn't trade them, and most importantly I believe that God is using them and will continue to use them. It hasn't been a waste. I'm so grateful for everyone's kind interest, support, and ongoing prayers along the way. I'll keep you posted.
If it's any consolation, realizing I didn't have a passion for what I was doing in the same way my peers did is part of why I quit and why my reasoning was accepted to my adviser. I love, love, love history, but honing in on one thing, even one thing I found interesting, was very difficult for me in terms of the work and sacrifice it required. I can't describe the difference; I still very much wish to know the answer to the questions I was asking for my diss, but so much of life seemed more important to me than the task of answering those questions. I still love doing the coursework part of graduate school; it was the research itself that did it.
ReplyDeleteI say this not to encourage you not to continue, but to say you're not alone, nor do I think it is bad or, dare I say it, makes you a "failure" as it's so easy to believe others are thinking. I agree that you absolutely can power through the diss if you'd like, and you can/will be a fantastic teacher. :)
I still very much wish to know the answer to the questions I was asking for my diss, but so much of life seemed more important to me than the task of answering those questions.
ReplyDeleteVictoria, that's very much where I am . . . Thanks a lot for your comment.